Turning Toward Instead of Away: Small Moments That Strengthen Relationships

The Power of Everyday Moments

Healthy relationships are not built solely on major milestones or grand gestures. They are shaped in the smaller, quieter moments of daily life—when partners choose to respond to each other with attention and care.

Research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman has shown that these seemingly minor interactions, known as bids for connection, are some of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction and stability. When partners learn to notice and respond to these bids, they foster emotional safety, trust, and long-term resilience in their relationship. Ignoring or dismissing them, on the other hand, can slowly erode emotional closeness over time.

Understanding Bids for Connection

A bid for connection is any attempt to engage another person emotionally. It can be verbal or nonverbal—a question, a touch, a smile, or even a sigh.

For example:

• "Look at that sunset."

• "Can you help me with this?"

• A laugh shared over a memory.

Each of these moments is an invitation for closeness. How we respond matters deeply.

How We Respond to Our Partner’s Bids

When a bid for connection occurs, we typically respond in one of three ways:

1. Turning Toward – showing interest or empathy, for example: "You’re right, that is a beautiful sunset."

2. Turning Away – ignoring or overlooking the bid, such as staying focused on your phone or not acknowledging the comment.

3. Turning Against – responding irritably or defensively, such as saying, "Can’t you see I’m busy?"

Consistently turning toward a partner strengthens emotional bonds. Over time, these positive interactions form a sense of safety and belonging that protects a relationship during times of conflict or stress.

Why Small Moments Matter Most

In Gottman’s longitudinal research at the “Love Lab,” couples were observed during daily interactions. The results were striking: partners in successful relationships turned toward each other’s bids 86 percent of the time, while those in distressed relationships did so only 33 percent of the time.

This shows that emotional connection is not built through major events, but through everyday responsiveness. Each small moment of acknowledgment, empathy, or affection is a building block of relational health.

Practical Ways to Turn Toward

Turning toward your partner doesn’t require dramatic changes—it’s about mindful attention. Here are a few practical strategies:

1. Be present. Set aside distractions such as phones or screens when your partner speaks.

2. Notice bids. Pay attention to small cues that invite connection, such as a question, comment, or gesture.

3. Respond intentionally. Even a brief acknowledgment, like "tell me more," communicates care and availability.

4. Create rituals of connection. Develop daily or weekly habits that foster closeness, such as morning check-ins or evening reflections.

5. Express appreciation. Acknowledge your partner’s efforts to connect, and express gratitude for the small things they do.

   
   

Try This Reflection Exercise

For one week, observe moments when your partner makes bids for your attention or connection. Reflect on these questions:

• Did I recognize the bid in the moment?

• How did I respond?

• How did my response affect our emotional tone that day?

This simple awareness practice can increase emotional attunement and improve relationship satisfaction over time.

Building Emotional Safety Through Connection

Turning toward instead of away is one of the most powerful ways to maintain emotional intimacy. It communicates: "I see you, I hear you, and you matter."

In relationships where partners regularly turn toward each other, both individuals tend to report lower stress, greater emotional security, and a stronger sense of partnership.

Healthy connection doesn’t happen by chance—it is cultivated through presence, curiosity, and kindness. By recognizing and responding to the small moments of connection, couples can create a foundation of trust and emotional resilience that supports both partners’ mental and relational well-being.

How Therapy Can Help Build These Skills

For many couples, turning toward each other consistently can feel challenging, especially when communication patterns have become strained over time. Therapy offers a supportive and structured space to rebuild these habits.

A trained couples therapist can help partners recognize missed bids for connection, improve emotional awareness, and develop new ways of responding with empathy and curiosity. Techniques from the Gottman Method and other evidence-based approaches can guide couples in practicing real-life communication tools during sessions, making it easier to apply them at home.

Therapy can also help uncover deeper emotional needs that may underlie conflict or withdrawal. As couples learn to identify and express these needs safely, they can begin to replace patterns of disconnection with moments of understanding and repair.

If you and your partner are struggling to stay emotionally connected, seeking therapy can be a powerful step toward rebuilding trust and creating a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and deeply connected.